How I wasted $35 of my hard earned money.
During last semester I was found guilty on the charges of drinking on campus. Due to the grace of god I was only made to go to a simple counseling session, take an online course of sub par quality at the college student unaffordable price of $35 and then write this paper on what I learned. The following is what I learned about alcohol and myself.
Did you know that a variety of choices influence our decisions and attitudes about alcohol? It’s true, there really are. Some people come from homes where their parents drank, maybe their father was a deadbeat and their mothers went out every night drunk and came home even more inebriated. This effect on a child could have one of two turns. The child could either become heavily dependant on alcohol in their adulthood or shun it completely seeing what it did to their family. Staying up every night until 3am watching your baby sister wondering what kind of guy your mom will bring home tonight is not something most children put down in their childhood resume`.
A lot of people don’t see alcohol as a drug. I learned that it is in fact the most popular drug of choice. It alters the mind, perception and ability to think clearly. Some people love this fiery liquid so much that to go a few days without a drink results in tremors, shakes, convulsions, hallucinations and the possible chance of passing out completely. I’ve also learned the advertisement is at an all-time high when it comes to alcohol and alcohol related products. With an incredible $22 million dollar profit, nearly 20% of all drinkers are underage. This is quite the market. Can you imagine the sheer potential power one could harness if they properly controlled this market? I dare say you could be the next president!
Within the college scene, alcohol consumption is on the rise. While many students still practice abstinence from the liquid fire; many students are picking up the bottle and putting down the pencil. Students are no longer drinking to get along, but to get “crunk and crazy”. That’s right, I said it. Did you know that 23% of students drink 68% of the alcohol consumed within a campus setting? That’s mind blowing to say the least. Because of this 66.66666666% of students will have their studying interrupted due to other people drinking. To top this off 10% of students will be physically assaulted by an inebriated individual while on campus. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been there and getting pushed around a little is fun, but once those fists start flying, ho-boy watch out because the fury is in full effect. To finish up about what I learned dealing specifically with college students, jocks and preps (err I mean athletes and fraternity males) drink more than neutral students. Maybe this has to do with the large amount of alcoholically geared advertisement during sports games, or perhaps nothing quenches a thirst better after a 60 yard run then a cool cold brew dog. I wouldn’t know though, I don’t drink.
Now I’m running on and this summary was only supposed to be one page. I fear I may have lost the reader by now and I will perform a quick thirty second summary of many facts that I have learned. This is the real stretch inning home run driver coming at’cha: Weight and Sex effect how much alcohol will affect you and how. The fatter you are, the more water you carry and as an end result you can match anyone shot for shot much better than ol’skinny over there in the corner. Women tend to get more drunk shot for shot then men. Expunging the contents of your stomach while drunk will not lower your BAC, but it will help in keeping any alcohol that is in your stomach from being further digested and processed. I mean of course, you are throwing it up. The higher proof of an alcoholic beverage the less it takes to get you drunk. So I’d say stay away from that Everclear and sport the Hard Lemonade if you want to pull an all-nighter. If someone does start to throw up and pass out, for all things good in this world, roll them on their side or stomach. Never put someone on their back, as they can choke on their own alcoholic vomit. I’d also suggest not putting someone’s head in a trashcan filled with discarded alcoholic containers. The smell would most likely encourage their stomach to become even more rowdy. Alcohol can come out in urine, sweat, fecal matter or the breath – and trust me you’ll know when one of these happen.
So here I am, out of breath, out of money and out of self-confidence that the University of Maryland (Baltimore County) cares much about their students. Text book prices and tuition are constantly going up, weekend activates are mediocre at best. The monopolistic practices with Woods Dining services continues to rape the wallet of hardworking students who scrape and scrounge for every dime to their name. But God bless for UMBC letting us take a thirty-five dollar online alcohol assessment course. God bless them all. I hope this review of what I learned wasn’t too long and I hope you had as good of a time reading it as I had a nauseated time writing it. Until next year, keep it safe and rock out hard.